Thursday, January 12, 2012

Vitamin A(rt)

I am framing a show for the Sister's Restaurant in Everett, as i was asked, by a nice woman who is supportive of my work, I think she is Russian? and i showed a few pieces there before. Normally, i wouldn't do it, I'd say no, its not like its going to move me forward, or that i am going to sell work, or i am going to make more connections. And it is a lot of effort and cost for not a lot of return.

But it gives me an opportunity to think: what the heck is it i am doing with this art? What do i have after all these years? And i stack up the 18x24 drawings and go through them- oh god. These are bad. I am bad. I am not skilled, Ok, i like this one, bad , bad, bad, what was i thinking? And there are hundreds of drawings on the floor (now, Thursday night, stuff in a huge recycling bin for tomorrow). and i barely get 20 out of the whole deal.

But personally, not all of them- but a few of them- I like them. My own work. I think: is that maybe really good? By accident?

That's ridiculous. That is a lot of time and hours and work, and it gets distilled- barely - to a handful of stuff that still isn't that great? Stuff i thought was OK now sucks?

I am running out of time here. It's not my job, so i can't give it the time i should, so i dont get really that good at it, and the drawings stack up. My mentor, Wes Wehr, said that Mark Tobey said to be sure to destroy your bad work, and i do my best to follow that thought.

As I drive home tonight, I consider my will. Where does all this stuff go?  What a strange world. You get born wanting to make pictures, but there's really not a place for them. What is this all about? I am so not-sure, that it pains me. It doesn't seem to pain any one else, so i wonder, am i getting all my vitamins?